I am not.

No inspiration strikes me to write beautifully. not that I usually do but let's just say i'm more a slave to a certain kind of muse sometimes. This is not flowing and I want it to but. nevertheless, I long for expressing what I am thinking. It is almost impossible not to get lost in the branches and distractions my brain offers, words that jump up when they're not supposed to be there. I will lead you not to the result and neither to the root, and in this chaos of paths, somewhere, someone, maybe someday will find me. 

At my age, it seems that I have lived most of my life locked inside my head. 

The monsters and the angels, playing there. Offering pain but also safe recluse for the world out there. I have not lived the 'out there'. The control of my head kept me there and the projection of my being in this universe has spun out of control into complete nothingness with respect to experiences. 

Still not independent, still not confident, still dreading simple procedures and incapable of making steps that are obviously the right ones to take. Drunk too little, had too little fun, connected only with those who mde an effort to connect with me or maybe with those that I have followed because I envy so much. I have not learnt the languages that I had always wanted to. Had too few sexual partners. Had too little drugs. Haven't read as many books as I should have and neither have I watched the movies that I would like to have watched. 

I compare you to me. I swear, you are more. And you have done more. You know how to live or how to handle life and society and people. I have no disease as an excuse, although believe me I keep looking for one to give me the sweet relief of no responsibility. I am drowned because I look more average than you do, and I get blocked more easily than you do. I can't play games because I am embarrassed to lose, to lose more than I already am in this life compared to you. I am less intelligent than you are or, I have used less of my intelligence than you have. I make less money I have less balls, I have been loved less, I have less friends, I have weaker bonds, I have less self-respect.

I am just less. Than you. Whoever you are..

How can I catch up on life? Do people ever even do that?

I don't know where I am on the branches now. Somewhere you might catch a glimpse of sense. I apologise for my negativity, if anyone is even reading this.

Oh yeah, I know I am the victim in my own movie. I am not enjoying it but  maybe you, you'll find yourself feeling more in charge after this. 

Oh, to be an assistant! I live the life I have always dreamed of, said sarcasm.