A Letter To Empathy


My dear,loving and compassionate human being,

I'm filled with pain. A heart wrecking, menacing, skin shredding pain.
Is the world hurting me or am I hurting myself?
See, the mind is such an interesting thing. Mysterious! Glorious! Unknown.
Am I the victim or am I the victimizer?
Am I the one who is actually holding the knife?
I can't EVER really know the answer, can I? I've been trying to figure this out for so long and it just keeps backfiring.
They say that the subconscious can be programmed to defend itself against any change!
In a way its the anti-virus system, when change is the virus.
So what am I really doing? Are these things actually happening? Am I in control of ANY of it?
Is it just my subconscious and my brain that dictates my experiences? And if thats true how the hell am I supposed to know that what I choose to decide is based on the correct data?
Am I supposed to decide something else except the way I perceive the world? Or does it stop to that? Am I in NO control, no choice, no freedom of will apart from the part where I choose to SEE something as good or bad? Is that what my mind is telling me? Or is it my 'antivirus system' sending me on a downward spiral of confusion, pessimism and loneliness so I would learn to avoid asking questions?
HOW can I know? HOW can I find out? HOW do I get finally those answers???
I am tired of fighting in my head, every second of the day and the only answer being that I DONT KNOW!
I am being honest here. I am a wreck. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Is there a realisation that I am missing?

These are questions that I invite ANYONE to reply to. Help is needed. Even if the outcome is still the same, your help might get me to overcome other things.

Thank you.
L

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